We're Perfectly Dysfunctional
by D4cHilliN
Summary: You're the marriage counselor. Vegeta and Bulma are sitting before you and it's showtime. How do they look through your eyes? Different from my usual fics. Read and see.


I suppose this is humor filled haha;;. I wrote it this way because I'm experimenting with different types of stories. Let me know how you feel about this.

ENjoy!

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We're Perfectly Dysfunctional

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"Alright, so why have you two chosen to come here?"

"My friend bugged me into it."

"The woman made me."

You furrow your eyebrows at the two adults sitting adjacent from you. The _woman _was sitting upright, legs pulled together tight, a modest yet tight black dress on that highlighted her long blue tresses with her purse in her lap. Of course, you knew of her through the tabloids and T.V reporters. You knew she liked power, had wealth and was one accustomed to fame.

You knew she was Ms. Bulma Briefs.

The other man however, had completely thrown you off. He was shorter, way shorter then Ms. Briefs. His eyebrows were thick; his face was in a scowl. He sat slouched back with his surprisingly large arms folded across his chest, decked in a black beater and black jeans. You wonder briefly if they had dressed alike on purpose.

From the man's deep widow's peak, sprouted out the darkest, blackest hair you had ever seen. It stuck up in spikes, resembling a flame and maybe foreshadowing the man's own personality on some hidden level. He seemed to be especially aggressive and tense.

Although you knew Ms. Briefs had been _involved_, for _lack_ of a better word, with someone, you hadn't _quite_ pictured her spouse like this.

And you hadn't expected to see them both here today, in your room, taking _your_ martial advice. Because, aren't your services only for _married_ people?

Of course, you weren't planning to argue. No, not with the most powerful, beautiful and _richest_ woman sitting across from you. Besides, her spouse was freaking you out and intimidating.

"I don't mean to be rude but what is your name, sir?" You speak up.

The placid male gives you a glare that makes you wonder why he seemed to have such resentment towards you already.

"His name's Vegeta." Bulma states calmly, completely ignoring the look she gets from him.

You scribble some words down in your notebook and Vegeta instantly comes alert. "What was that?" He asks harshly, pointing at your pad. "What did you just write?"

You inwardly gulp. "Notes. I'm going to be writing throughout the session, Mr. Vegeta."

"Humph." Was all he grunted in reply, slumping back down into his original position.

"Alright, shall we continue?" You don't wait for confirmation. "Mrs. Briefs, you told me that your friend requested you and your husband come here. Why did she?"

Bulma shrugged. "She thinks we need help." Then she rolled her eyes. "I just decided to give it a shot. So she'd stop nagging me."

"Do _you_ think your marriage needs help?" You kept rolling with the '_marriage'_ and '_husband'_ words since they weren't interjecting and correcting.

That makes her thin eyebrows come together in a frown. "Well.....no, actually. I think Vegeta and I are very capable by ourselves."

"And you, Mr. Vegeta?"

"I just came because the woman made me." He repeats curtly, eyes somewhere far off. You wonder if he had programmed himself to memorize and repeat the line.

"It seems as though you both claim you came because of other people. Yet, if you didn't seriously believe you were in need of help, I don't think you would have showed up at all, no matter who said what." You feel intelligent from your speech adn wait patiently for a reply.

"So you think that _we _think that we need help?" Bulma finally asks, her face now dull and her voice flat. She obviously thinks you're an idiot.

"Well yes. You wouldn't have wasted your time coming here if you didn't, correct?"

The blue haired woman shrugs and you feel victorious. "Honestly, I had nothing better to do. I thought it'd be fun."

FUN? You think in disbelief. She thinks martial counseling is fun? It is drastic. It is emotional. You know your job is important. You know you make a difference and you take offense to her words. This is most certainly not fun. "I can see how you might think that." There is just no way you can argue with her. "But I-"

"STOP your BLABBERING." Comes the abrupt, deep voice of the other male. His eyes are flashing with anger and his fists are clenched. "I was dragged into this, _forced_ to give up 30 or more minutes of my training and I will not, I repeat, I will NOT have you sitting here speaking in tongues and circles the whole time. We are here and that is that. Now, speak some common sense or, so help me, I will BLAST you into dust."

His words make you shudder visibly but Bulma quickly scorns him, "Vegeta! Stop your threats! He's just trying to help."

The male grumbles and retreats back to his daze. You feel embarrassed and confused by the display but you shake it off with much effort. "Uh yes," You clear your throat, the world symbolization for being uncomfortable, and forge on. "Ms. Briefs, I'll start with you. What problems arise with you and Vegeta?"

She shrugs again. "Well, he breaks the GR almost everyday."

"The GR?"

"Gravity room."

You scribble down the letters "GR" and put question marks around it. "And that irritates you?"

"Greatly."

Vegeta interrupts "Does it? Well, I'll have to _break_ it when we go _home _later." He grits out through clenched teeth. Bulma rolls her eyes but says nothing.

"I sense hostility." You point out. They merely look at you, unimpressed. "Is this a normal thing?"

"Of course." She says while he says simultaneously, "Yes."

"Ahhh," You start to feel a connection. "Do you two fight a lot?" They exchange looks.

"Yep." She shrugs.

"Every fucking day." Vegeta snorts.

You scribble more words down. "Alright, well I'd like to get down to the bottom of these arguments. When do they most arrive?"

"Whenever she's near." He mocks causing her to send him a glare. "I can't stand the sight of her."

"That's not what you said last night." She singsongs with a smug expression on her face. You see the widow peak male growl and narrow his eyes.

"If I do recall, _you_ were the one on top of _me_."

"Really? Because I remember a certain person, who ironically looked just like _you_, pouncing on top of _me_." Then she smirks. "Twice."

You feel extremely uncomfortable now as they argue back and forth about whatever innuendo that had went on in the bedroom. Finally, you make an attempt to calm them down. "Uh...I don't think...Hello? Please........QUIET!"

They turn to you in surprise and you clear your throat loudly. "Do you two always argue over petty things like this?"

"He starts it. He's like a giant baby when it comes to stuff like that."

"What? Woman, you practically drool over the chance to one up me on something."

"Only because you're incredibly ARROGANT."

"Because I am the BEST."

You once again sit through one of their fights and sigh, rubbing your head. A migraine is starting to form. "PLEASE!" Your voice stops them again. "Could you refrain from arguing? We are here to heal." Jeez and they thought they didn't need marriage counselors.

"Healing? We don't need healing. I never get injured." Vegeta says quite smugly. You raise an eyebrow.

"Oh here we go!" Bulma rolls her eyes again "He thinks he's immortal." She tells you skeptically. Immortal? You squint your eyes in disbelief.

Vegeta cracks his knuckles. "I do not. I think I'm all powerful. There's a difference."

"There's no difference, Vegeta."

"Yes, there is."

"Is not."

"YES, there is."

You sigh and hang your head.

"There isn't a difference so end of story."

"Woman, you cannot tell me when I am to end my stories!"

"I JUST DID!"

"Yet your words do not stop me!"

You look up at the ceiling and wonder if that job your sister offered you was still open.

Finally, they quiet down and you look to see that they are both huffing silently to themselves, arms folded, eyes narrowed. You decide to speak again. "I think I should delve into your relationship a bit deeper. To really understand it."

"You will never understand it and it is none of your business." Vegeta tells you quite rudely. You start to retort but Bulma butts in.

"Alright fine. Fire away. Let's delve." She offers.

You rub your hands together and ask, "How did you two get together?"

Bulma puts a finger to her chin. "It's sort of a long story....."

"I have all day." In actuality, you didn't but it seemed interesting.

"Well-"

Suddenly, she is cut off by her husband and you frown. "We met. We fucked. The end."

"VEGETA!?" Bulma gasps out in shock, glowering down at the man.

"Is that not the the truth?" He counters.

You quickly interrupt, sensing another bout. "That's a tale for another time maybe. Hmmm. Well, are you two married?" You think it's pretty straightforward but your session time is running out and you are strangely curious about the couple.

"Now when you say married....." Bulma trails off with a pained look.

"No. We have never nor will ever be married. Next question." He turns and mouths, 'This is easy.' To the blue haired mogul and then glances back at you.

"Well why not?" You ask.

His expression darkens. "Because, unlike you, I do not take joy in partaking in such unreasonable, foolish human ceremonies. I do not consider marriage a bond of any sort and it holds no significance to me at all. Next question."

Unlike me? You think in confusion. Foolish _human _ceremonies? He spoke as if he wasn't human himself. Talk about a man who has an ego so big he convinced himself he wasn't a human.

"Don't you have kids?" You confirm. They both nod. "But you refuse to get married? Not even for the kids?" This question is directed towards Vegeta.

He snorts. "Why would I do anything for those brats?"

Those brats? He certainly wasn't calling his kids _brats _was he? You look at Bulma but she is simple rolling her eyes again. Did she really tolerate this?

You glance at the time, see there's only four minutes remaining and quickly just skip to the last question, "Well, what does your relationship mean? To both of you. As in; why do _you_ think you're both still together?"

Quizzical expressions came onto both of their faces and you patiently await their answers. Finally, at the same time, they say with shrugs, "Because we understand each other."

WHAT? You think in anger. THEY WHAT? After all the fighting and insults, they answer with THAT phrase? You feel baffled, cheated. Not one time through the whole damn session did you see one inkling of understanding between the two. NOT ONE.

"But...but..." You stutter, looking from one to the other. "YOU! You said you couldn't stand her....and YOU! He insults you at every moment. And he must irritate you as well because you've rolled your eyes the entire time. You two do NOT understand each other."

"He insults me to hide his true feelings." Bulma tells you lightly, giving the man a smile only to receive a sneer. "He's really just a big softy inside."

Vegeta simply "hmphed."

"What? That makes no sense. You-" You start.

"I call her a bitch. She calls me an asshole. It's how we communicate." He tells you roughly, obviously uncomfortable at sharing this information with you.

"Yeah." Bulma smiles warmly. "I wouldn't want him any other way."

Vegeta scoffs. "Yeah well......I _guess_ I can tolerant her."

You watch her pat him on the shoulder and although he growls, he doesn't shrug her hand off. Wait! You actually see him...lean in a bit! Towards her. And you think, with a frown, maybe these two really did have something between them. Something hidden. Something secret that is only shared in private quarters. Maybe, they were in love. Maybe, they had a sacred bond. And maybe just maybe, they were perfect on their own.

Tch. Yeah right. And maybe aliens from other planets existed and people could fly, shoot energy beams through their hands and magically change the color of their hair in a second.

So you told them what any professional, honorable martial counselor would tell them. You pushed back the fear and you looked past their intimidating ways and kept it real.

And you told them the truth.

"You two are the most juvenile, impossible, insane couple I have ever come to meet in my life. Your 'marriage' or whatever the fuck you call THIS is a mockery to modern marriage history. You have an unhealthy relationship that only seems to be getting worst then getting better. Yet you think you're just the perfect little couple. Well, news flash, you are NOT. You are not even a_ normal _couple. People don't show love by showing hate. That's just dysfunctional. That's incredibly dumb and foolish and so mindboggling idiotic I can barely think straight. This whole SESSION has been a waste of your time and money and my life. You're the most selfish, arrogant, bossy two people I have ever seen. Why in the world God would create two people like you and make you meet each other is beyond me. You make your parents look bad, you make _your friends_ look bad and you make each other look bad. I just hope, that on one fateful day, someone; _anyone_ will be brave enough to tell you what a MISTAKE all this is. I award you no respect from me, hope you have a good time with your horrible, pitiful lives and I take cash not checks."

And, as soon as you finish your rant, the timer rings, you stand up and march off.

Yet, you can't shake the feeling that the speech was too much and that _you_ have made a grave mistake. Because, suddenly, the widow peaked male is before you and he's _flying_. His hair has turned yellow, his mouth is in an evil smirk and you hear a woman's voice say faintly from behind you, "Oh, now you've pissed him off."

Then a blue beam is heading towards you and the world goes black.

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Yes, I know. A bit tragic for you. This was purely for humor though haha;; Think it was okay at least?

Let me know.

-D4


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